The Haunted Hula

I own a hula lamp.

After a trip to Hawaii, Santa miraculously knew to put one under my Christmas tree.

I remember seeing them, sensuously displayed in the window in paradise. Hips gently swaying - elegantly shaped - flowing grass skirts - boobs incandescently accentuated under an amber bulb.

She is bodacious.

Today, she sits on my night stand. Still a-swingin'- though she has a bit of a squeak when she rocks to one side. Her fingers have long since busted away from the wear and tear of traveling between dorm to home. I wrapped her in swaddling clothes, but alas, she could not weather the storm.

I want to pass her down to my offspring and make sure she becomes a generational heirloom.

When I'm on my death bed I'll hire a witch doctor to encapsulate my spirit within her bosom. That way if anything happens to the lamp I'll have an excuse to haunt some bitches.

I'll be all like "I'm a genie".

Chafe

There are times in life where it is necessary to sleep fully clothed. Last night was one of those times.

Ask me why.

I was cold, mostly. And because I didn't feel like taking them off. I just lifted the blankets and put my body between them. Nothing else. Cotton on cotton. Like cheese on cheese crackers, which are so much better than cheese on peanut butter.

I was at my friend Jeff's house, which is haunted. I needed the security of a good chafe. Sleeping in corduroy pants will do that to you. Vertical ribs.

At the dawn of a new day you are prepared to freely rise and shine without the worry of dressing the bod. It gives a sense of attachment to your clothes- a sweaty bond that freshly laundered threads could not give.

I wore a hoodie sweatshirt. I had this terrible dream that I was in the deep south being hung.

I think tonight I'm going naked. Like a stallion.


I'm home for the summer now. Which means posts will be much more frequent.

Stay tuned.

Citizen Swift

So I watched Orson Welles' infamous Citizen Kane for the first time. It's ranked as the #1 greatest movie of all time by the American Film Institute.

I want a palace, just like Kane, atop a mountain with dizzying towers. You see, I'm a simple soul.

I've taken it upon myself to start shopping- accessorizing a palace is no easy feat. Kane was an amateur, he bought statues. What? Last night I bought a Tyco ELXTRO-ST@IC 3.01 beta lightning machine off of eBay.

I'll need significant bolts to crack the sky when I'm pissed off pacing beside my roaring fireplace.

Crucial.

The seller claimed that it's in mint condition, yet needs to get rid of it because the neighbors were complaining. Lucky for me I won't have any, I'll have subjects. I'll use my machine to keep them in line, or maybe I'll let 'Dennis' out of his chamber. Haven't decided- I'll get back to you.

Also, I'm gonna need servants. Criteria are listed below:
-hunchbacks preferred
-can give a monocle a glossy, streak-free shine
-know Jack Johnson (I need to meet him)
-fart on command
-free willy

I'm a simple soul. Donations appreciated.