Return of the Tongs

I got tongs for Christmas.

I know one of you put Santa up to this. And that means there is a traitor within our midst. I'm not going to name names. No. I'm not going to point the black finger. But there will be justice, and it will be swift.

-

The other day I stepped into my shoes and whipped cream mashed between my toes. It's good to be home with friends again.

Zen

I never sleep well on Christmas Eve. Never have. Never will. When I was younger, I passed the time by poking around the presents under the tree.

Now, a step-by-step guide to midnight snoops to the Christmas tree.

Pre-Planning - Know the route you're going to take. In several cases, this route includes stairs. Know which ones creak and avoid them at all costs. Do you have hardwood floors? If so, wear socks. Bare feet have a tendency to stick to hardwood floors. Try and maximize carpeting, which can disperse your weight over a floor and reduce the chance of squeaking.

Stealth - Shadows, Shadows, Shadows. Long, soft, slow, deep, breathing. Face paint. Cape. Be creative.

Lighting - A light-up watch or dim cellphone backlight should do the trick. Dangerous, but necessary to read gift tags.

Emergency - If someone is stirring, quick thinking and fast acting judgement is crucial to survival. Don't be afraid to dart out of there. The person stirring will make enough noise to cover up any noise you make. After all is settled, wait 15 minutes and head in for round 2.

Bath

I'm home for the holidays.

One thing college doesn't have is bath tubs. I've been bathing so much. My fingers have been shriveled for a week now. I come home, take a bath. I wake up, take a bath. Go outside, warm up and take a bath.

Talking on the phone in the tub is risky, but otherwise very enjoyable. The first risk is damaging the phone / vital organs from electricution. The second risk is:

"Whats that liquid noise in the background?"
"I'm in the bath tub."
"Ewwww"

What do you mean "Ewww"? Common. There is nothing wrong with bathing on the telephone. What? Can you see? Are you looking at my naked body? Nope.

Yeah, eww. Eww to you. When did bathing become ewww?

Tang

So I bought a little canister of Tang. 'Cause water wasn't good enough. Yeah, thats right. Nature sucked that time.

I have enough Tang to hydrate all the Apollo missions, and enough to snort to make Tony Montana happy.

Let me be serious. Tang is awesome. It never gets old. The citrus buzz continually delights me, liter after liter, spoonful after spoonful.

Joe told me that you can use Tang to clean dishes. I even heard that New Hampshire is changing it's motto to "Live free or Tang".

Even listen to what these happy customers said about Tang:

"I like it."
- Jimmy, Nebraska

"I drank so much it made my bed sheets turn orange."
-Reginald, Canadia

"There is enough Vitamin C in my body to kill a german shepard."
-Melosh, Slavock

"I hate it."
-Brett, (kid down my hall who wiped his ass on my door knob, who will get Tanged at a date and time of my choosing)

Mars

I watched Red Planet. Terrible flick. It offended my eyes. My retinas were all like, "We quit". And now I'm blind. Because of Red Planet.

If you haven't seen the movie, rent it, and fast forward to the scene where the nematodes start feeding on unsuspecting space dudes. They explode too! Yes!

So anyway, I've already picked out my real-estate on Mars. Right next to a nice canyon. Picturesque views of rocks. Within walking distance of sand, mostly red. Those interested in renting should contact me in April for our peak season during the summer.

Bald

It all started back in high school. My history teacher was bald. We made fun of him. Rogaine ads taped to the roll out map of 17th century Europe. Not to mention the comments during class. The belligerent Risk games. Bald. HA HA! Mr. Gray is B-A-L-D.

This year I made my radio co-partner weep when I announced his balding on air.

I've realized that I've sealed my tomb. My uncle and grandfather from my Mom's side of the family are bald. Supposedly that's an indicator.

I use way too much hair spray.

The teasing I've dished out. I deserve it. I deserve to bald.

A couple of people think that my hair line is receding. It probably is. Don't think the wrath will end. No. No sir. Balding is just too funny. I mean, you don't have hair! HA!

- Happy Bald B-Day Mr. Gray.